Monday, July 27, 2009

Not So Frequently Asked Questions

Stuff we've all wondered about but know it just isn't worth asking out loud.

Where do babies come from?

Babies come from lots of places and for lots of reasons. Here are a few:
  1. One night stands.
  2. Teenagers.
  3. Minorities.
  4. Not pulling out in time.
  5. Not pulling out in time while having a one night stand with a "minority" teenager.

What’s the fastest way to lose more than 100 lbs.?

Get a divorce. Ha! Thanks folks, I'll be here all week. No seriously, Crystal meth is probably your best bet.

When Bob Barker says "Help control the pet population," does that give me the right to throw kittens off of balconies?

What Bob actually means is have your pets spayed and neutered. But that's expensive and boring. Try grabbing your dog by the balls and just giving them a good yank. Let me know how that works out for you.

Does white or red wine go with chicken wings and bologna?

Traditional etiquette allows any wine that comes in a box to be served with wings and bologna. You may also serve Boone's or MD 20/20 if boxed wine is unavailable.

How should I tell my wife that I lost my wedding ring?

Tell her the truth - that you had taken it off in a bar in order to pick up some buck-toothed fat slut and you left it in her trailer. Just remember to tell her you would have never cheated on her and lost the ring in the first place if she wasn't such a frigid bitch.

What should I do if I lost a ring inside my girlfriend?

Get a pen, chew some bubblegum, stick the gum to the pen, jam it up her cooter and hope the ring sticks to the gum. If that fails, try making a hook out of an old rusty coat hanger. If you fail at that too, pray your wife doesn't ask how you lost the ring.

What’s the best way to treat a beaver bite?

Never, never bite a wild animal. Beaver or otherwise.

What should I do if I catch somebody masturbating?

It is common courtesy to ask them if they need any help. Chances are they do, because otherwise, why would they be doing it by themselves?

What are some tips about surviving on welfare?

Tips? What else do you need to know about getting free money for being a worthless pile of shit? Go get a job you lazy fuck. I'm sick of paying my taxes to support you fucking crackheads. No, I'm sorry. That was way out of line. If there weren't crackheads, I would only have two other jokes to tell at parties.

How long should I put a live animal in the microwave for?

That really depends on the animal. Before I go any further, please note we do not in any way condone the abuse of animals. Rather we prefer someone else to humanely slaughter them so we can eat them. But, hypothetically speaking, let's say you were to put oh, a cat in the microwave. A cat is a decent sized animal. Usually a really tough cat can withstand about a solid minutes in there on "High". However, this will likely cause some permanent damage. If you don't want the cat's owner to notice, try about 20 seconds on "medium" a few times. This really freaks the cat out and the fun lasts much longer. Hypothetically speaking.

What is the best type of produce (fruit or vegetable) to masturbate with?

For men? - Cantaloupe. No contest. Next question.

I hate old people, what can I do to torture them?

First get a job at a nursing home. Nursing homes have lots of senile old people too alzheimered out to rat on you. Note: we do not condone nor recommend torturing old people. Rather we prefer someone else to humanely slaughter them so we can eat them. Depending on the amount of hatred running through your veins you can try these fun options:
  1. Tell them it's their birthday on days you know nobody is coming to see them.
  2. The old laxative in the milk bit (just remember, you'll probably have to wipe that ass later unless you time it for shift change). A better idea might be spiking their food with Mescaline or other powerful hallucinogens.
  3. Swapping every resident on your floor's eye glasses / dentures.
  4. Using Lava brand soap at bathtime.
  5. Yank out their catheter like a tooth on a string.
  6. Steal all the mail they get from their family, carefully open it, replace it with portions of the Unibomber's manifesto, seal it back up, wait for the insanity to set in.

What should I do if I hit my neighbor with my car?

That depends largely of anybody saw you or not. If anyone saw you call the police immediately and call a good lawyer. Remember it was just an accident. If nobody saw you, put the body in your trunk (make sure the neighbor is dead - wink wink, nudge nudge). Take the body to a friend's house you and the neighbor both know. Hide the body in your friends garage and blame it on them. Go home and have sex with a cantaloupe.

Why do retards' tongues stick out all the time?

Because they're retarded. Duh.

Let's just say I have no taste buds, and for reasons undisclosed, I decide to down a whole box of baking soda. Then about a half hour later, I decide to wet my palette with a 1 gallon jug of vinegar. Would I then erupt like the volcanoes we made in grade-school?

Yes, except you would be missing the pathetic tempra paint job and paper trees your parents made to accompany the scene of the volcano that your parents actually made for you because you were too goddamn lazy and stupid to finish that project yourself. My recommendation? If you want to see a real human volcano - Try downing powdered pool chlorine and wash that down with liquid chlorine and let me know what happens to you.

My friend has a website and asks me to help him with it all the time and I told him I would. I don't really like the site (or him). What should I do?

Keep putting him off. Eventually he will give up and simply put some sarcastic remark about you on his website. Then, go burn in hell.

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