How to destroy the Earth - quickly.

Let me start by saying I am pro-apocalypse. My fear is there is no God and therefore no end of the world as predicted by the Bible. So we need a backup plan to destroy the Earth. And something cooler than waiting for the ice caps to melt, I don't have that kind of time. If there are no "four horsemen" to look forward to, I'm not just going to sit around and wait to drown.

During the course of my research, I came across a website called World Jump Day who seemed to have a decent idea about getting everyone on the planet to jump at the same time, thus adjusting the planet's orbit and theoretically improving things like global warming and extending the amount of daylight hours. That's fine if you want to save the Earth, but we need to destroy it. I like the idea of adjusting the orbit, but if we are going to get all those people together to unite for a single purpose, let's do something really spectacular. Let's send this Mofo out into space, or careening into the sun.

The problem is, the World can't even agree on a language, let alone whether or not they should all be jumping to correct the orbit. It's times like this I wish Superman was real because he could just throw the bastard at Jupiter like a 13,170,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 pound softball.

So here's my solution (if you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem I always say):

We take all of our nuclear weapons and ship them to Iraq. Once there, we pile them up and detonate them at the same time. This blast will produce enough power to send the Earth flying off into space. This is the same strategy scientists have for deflecting an asteroid away from the planet, only they would use less bombs. Look it up if you want, or go watch that travesty of a movie "Armageddon".

If we are careful, we can time the blast to fire us of into the desired direction. I say we go for the sun. It will be way more dramatic of an end and it would be way too hard to "lead" another planet on it's orbital path. Have you ever tried to shoot clay targets? Way too hard. And it's not like we get any practice shots.

By strategically selecting Iraq we get the added fuel of all that oil underground to burn and add fuel to the fire as they say. Plus, if it doesn't work there's your exit strategy for the war, accelerated global warming, the melting of a lot more than just the ice caps, and the eventual absolute destruction of the Earth all wrapped up into one.

It's what they call a "win-win".
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Things I have said to my kids

Kids may say the darndest things but I tend to be more amused by the manner in which I, as a parent must respond. So here is my personal collection of things I have said to my kids...

Mommy and I were just “hugging”. Get back in your bed. Now.

Stop licking the door.

Sweetie, you can’t put raisins up your nose. Yes, I’m sure it does make them taste like boogers.

Don’t hit the cat with the flyswatter.

No, Burger King doesn’t have that kind of Happy Meal toy, that’s McDonalds and we aren’t going to McDonalds. No, they never have the same toys at both places. Because they make deals with those toy companies to try and gain an advantage in the market so kids will whine that they want to go to one place more than the other to get the Happy Meal toy and thereby make more money than their competition. Because money is all they care about. No, I’m sorry bud, they don’t care about you, just your daddy’s money. Because they’re evil. Yes, evil means bad.

[To my daughter] Honey! Honey! Honey! You have to sit down when you pee!

Why are you licking my shirt?

How did you get bubblegum in your armpit?

Guys, you need to be quiet, Daddy’s trying to rest. Because I’m tired. Yes, I was drinking beer again yesterday.

Why did you try and clean the tile floor with my favorite CD?

No, ghosts can’t eat you.

Please stop tattooing your sister.

Sweetie, you can’t take candy from strangers. Yes, I understand that you really like candy.

You can’t call Uncle Desi a “wetback”. That’s kind of a bad word. Because it is. Look, just don’t say it anymore ok?

No, you cannot fill the sink [in your toy kitchen] with water. And you can’t fill the carpet with water either.

Get out of the dryer.

Sharks can’t live in the pool.

Because it hurts when you hit me there. Yes, that’s where my penis is. I know you don’t have a penis. Because girls don’t have penises. Because they don’t.

The potato bug won’t bite you, I promise.

What were you doing on the roof?

You got up there, you figure out how to get down.

Because some people are brown, and some people aren’t. No, you are not brown. No, I doubt you will be brown when you grow up.

Put your pants back on. Because you have to wear pants outside.

You’d really like that toy huh? Well, I’d really like a minotaur. What do you think of that?

Did you just say “Fuck”?
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Eat Shit and Die Suburban Hipster

Oh, hey. What’s up man? Geez, I haven’t seen you since High School. How’s it been going? Good. Good.
What? Oh, let you turn your Ipod down first? Ok, no problem. Just, go ahead and uh, do that. You’re listening to the new Killers album? No, I haven’t heard it. It’s pretty cool? Yeah, I guess I’ll have to check it out. No, I don’t have an Ipod. Yeah. Yeah, I can see you love it. You’re listening to it in the grocery store parking lot. Just picking up some Red Stripe for an art gallery opening. Are you the artist? No? Oh, your buddy just invited you. I see. Me? I’m uh, buyin my wife some maxi pads actually. Yeah. That time of the month you know?

You got a new car huh? What’d ya get? Oh, a Scion huh? That red one over there? Yeah, that’s cool I guess. No, I didn’t know you could customize the gear shift. That’s pretty neat. My Altima only had one type of gear shift. You like it better than your old Jetta? Yeah, I guess that makes sense when you compare the gear shifts and all.

Man, you sure put a lot of bumper stickers on that thing already. Aren’t you worried about messing up the paint? Oh, it’s a lease. Yeah, I guess “no big deal” then right? Yeah. Oh, your parents pay for it anyways? Fuck the dealership, exactly. Yeah, fuck them. Yeah, I like the bumper sticker that says “You laugh at me cause’ I’m different, I laugh at you ‘cause you’re all the same”. I get it. You probably get a lot of that with all you tattoos and piercings and tattoos and stuff. No, I never considered piercing that. They match your ironic trucker hat. Did I see your shirt? No, what’s it say? Oh, it’s the old Atari Logo. Sweet. “Old School”, haha. Yeah, hey… Remember “Pong”? No? Yeah me neither.

Yeah, I bet it’s hard to find a job with all that. We can’t really have stuff like that where I work. Where are you working now? Oh, the coffee shop in the bookstore? I work at a small design agency on the west si…. Yeah, I should definitely come up and hang out. It’s just hard for me to go out much with the kids and all. Yeah, I have two. They’re great, their names are Gabr… Oh sure, go ahead and call Tim. Tell him I said “What’s up”. An iPhone? Yeah, it looks cool. No, I just have whatever the base model they give you for free. Yeah, I’ll wait. I’m sure my wife isn’t going to bleed to death without the Maxi-Pads.

No, no problem. I understand, there are just some phone calls you have to make. Oh, he’s got some good weed right now? No, I don’t smoke anymore. Kids and all, remember? You don’t have any kids yet, do you? A pet snake? Yeah, well they’re pretty similar in that you have to make sure they don’t die and stuff, sure.

MySpace? Oh yeah, I made a page cause my friend Mike had one and he lives out of state so I… Add your band to my Friends list? Yeah sure, I should do that. Yeah, I saw the Chuck Norris thing. That’s your avatar? Pretty funny. Yeah, uh, what kind of band are you guys? Kinda like the Killers huh? Sounds cool. I will definitely check that out. Do you guys play out anywhere? Not really? Oh. Yeah I know, it’s probably way hard to find someone to sign you.

Ok, well cool man, I gotta get home before my milk spoils. Yeah. And you probably gotta get to the gallery before your Red Stripe gets warm. Alright dude. You too. Take it easy. Enjoy your gear shift and Ipod and stuff. Maybe I’ll catch you up at the coffee shop, you can make me a mochachino or something. No, you’re right, mochachinos are totally gay. Yeah, I’ll get something else. Ok, awesome, Later man.
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Bad Business

• Juicy Juice is a juice brand that parents sometimes buy for their children. I don't buy it because I cannot afford the redundant adjective on the packaging. This is the same reason I do not buy Milky Milk.

• Fish food packaging lists the ingredients on the back. As if I am going to check there first to make sure I am not going to feed my fish something he may be allergic to. The last fish food I bought said it was new and improved on the label, but I'm not sure if it was really better. My fish has yet to indicate whether or not he prefers the new brand over the old brand.

• I'm glad nobody ever thought to combine the resuscitation dolls with blow-up sex dolls. I wouldn't have bought one if was was advertised as being both. What they should combine are cows and pigs because I really like bacon cheeseburgers.

• Dave & Busters is the only place I know of where you can spend $200.00 gambling and only win a coffee mug. I guess that's better than Chuck E Cheese where all I can win is a Super ball. A coffee mug has a more practical application in my day to day life. I cannot drink from a super ball.

• I went to the barber to get my hair cut. The barber asked me if I wanted a "regular" haircut. I said "No, I would like an extraordinary haircut". I didn't realize I had an option. If it's the same price, I want my hair to look really good.

• The Avis Rental car company has a tagline. They say "We try harder". This implies to me that they try, but do not succeed. "I'm sorry sir, we tried to get you a car for the weekend, but could not acquire one for your use. That will be $39.00 please." They should change it to: "We will definitely rent you a car".

• A local car dealership has a commercial where two guys say: "We're the Fred Martin car guys and we know cars". This seems like a waste of valuable commercial time. I expect you to know cars already. Tell me something interesting about yourselves. Say: "We're the Fred Martin car guys and we know how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear". That would get me to come down to your car dealership. But I would be really angry if the answer was "magic". I would not buy a car then.
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Thanks for coming to my funeral, assholes.

This is fucking perfect. I'm dead and about to be buried in the cheapest suit my wife could find. Jesus Christ woman! I know the life insurance paid enough for you to get more than a 23 dollar suit from Goodwill with a bloodstain on the crotch. Hope you are putting all that money you saved on dressing me for eternity towards the kids college fund and not going on another Hedonism vacation with Tyrone.

Good luck kids, you're fucked now. The only consolation I can offer you is knowing that when Mommy dies it will probably be from a painful STD or a meth overdose. At least Daddy loves you.

Oh and kids? Stay the fuck away from Uncle Bryan. It looks like he's drunk again, and that mean's he's probably going to try and ask you to go out to his van. Always stay away from vans with no windows.

And could everybody please refrain from putting their garbage in the casket with me? Honestly, keep the fucking photos. My eyes are sewn shut, I couldn't look at them even if I wanted to. And who dropped their chewed gum on my sleeve? Oh, wait, it's not just gum, it's Grandma's dentures too. Gross.

Man these pillows aren't very soft. I had always envisioned this scenario to be a lot more comfortable. I really didn't even want to be buried. I would have rather been taxidermied and kept in my own living room dressed in a smoking jacket, reading the paper. I should have had my brother put a remote control spring device in here to pop me upright and freak everybody out in the middle of the service. Or rig me up like a Billy Bass so I could blurt out "I'm not dead yet!" when somebody knelt by the casket.

By the way, did nobody take the time to explain to the priest how to pronounce my godamn last name? He pronounced it three different ways during that shitty eulogy (who told him I was an active water sport enthusiast?). And why did we we get a Catholic priest anyways? We aren' t Catholic, and I never went to church. I'm going to get to heaven and the first thing out of St. Peter's mouth is going to be "Who the fuck are you?"

I'm impressed how many people showed up for my wake. I didn't think I even knew this many people. Although I don't see my cousin Steve. I guess he couldn't make bail to be here. Nevertheless, It's nice to see people coming out to pay their respects. It just seems weird that nobody is crying.

Oh they're closing the casket finally. One last thing before I go -. Mr. Mortician. I'll be waiting for you when you die. I made it my whole life without every having any gay experiences and the week they are going to finally put me in the ground, you go and fuck me in the mouth, then sew up the evidence. To make matters worse, I didn't even get the courtesy "head tap" before you moneyed all over my dead mouth. And it's not like anybody bothers to brush the teeth of the dead. Thanks alot. Rest assured there will be a special surprise waiting for you in the Afterlife.
Oh well, I'd like thank everybody for making the last moments of my Earthly memories completely awful. And if anybody is going to drop any more junk in here with me, could you please make it a bottle of Listerine?
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I Want a Minotaur

I have two kids. Two kids who frequently “want this” or “want that”. In an effort to deal with demands that I am unwilling to fulfill, I started responding with equally unrealistic wants of my own. My favorite is telling them that I want a minotaur. And yes, I mean the labyrinth guarding, axe-wielding man with a bull’s head.

After saying this several times to crush my children’s spirit, I realized that I really did want a minotaur. Badly. Having a minotaur around the house would not only kick major ass, but also be really useful. So this got me thinking further about other mythical creatures and the pros and cons of having each around the house. So I present to you, dear reader, the Whangdoodle guide to owning mythical creatures.

Mintotaur

Pros: The minotaur can easily destroy enemies trying to break into your house/lair. They are intelligent, capable warriors who stay put when tasked with a mission (home defense, etc). Also good for moving furniture, taking out the garbage, and have a keen eye for landscape design.
Cons: Must build giant hedge maze on your property, not toilet trained.

Unicorn

Pros: Gentle and beautiful, the Unicorn makes a great alternative pet for horse enthusiasts. The hooves of these well-mannered beasts can be used to make magically strong glue.
Cons: Due to the giant spear attached to the forehead, unicorns are not recommended for use in rodeos. Plus, riding one automatically makes you gay.

Troll

Pros: When brute force is needed, look no further than a troll. Easily opens stuck jars, lifts cars for convenient mechanical repairs, removes unwanted trees from yard, and operates gate mechanisms to let orc battalions back into your evil kingdom.
Cons: Akin to owning a 12 foot tall child with super strength and down’s syndrome.

Succubus

Pros: Ask any kid who has ever jacked off to hardcore anime’ and they’ll tell you how they would cut off their mouse-clicking finger to bang one of these demon sex kittens from the underworld. Succubi are notorious for their sexual prowess and make a great in-house fuck buddy whose thirst for dirty sex is matched only by their thirst for blood.
Cons: Try to kill you after sex. High probability of catching Hell’s version of Syphilis or HIV.

Hippogriff

(if you don’t know what this is, watch “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban”)
Pros: Hippogriffs can fly. Say goodbye to high gas prices and rush hour during your commute to work! Park your Hippogriff anywhere you like! I’d like to see a traffic cop try and put a ticket on the vicious snapping beak of your new ride.
Cons: No trunk, windshield or CD player. Extended warranty is a ripoff.

Dragon

Pros: Dragons are the ultimate in badass mythical creatures and provide more compensation for a small penis then a Hummer H2. Great for incinerating garbage, starting the grill, or getting even with a neighbor whose dog barks to much. Top choice for home security and guarding valuables such as gold, Nintendo Wii systems, and +3 magic swords.
Cons: Very volatile and unpredictable. Children and pets should not be left alone with your dragon. Not recommended for suburban living conditions. Sluggish in winter.
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My Butthole Itches

This sucks. My butthole itches. Bad. I’m in the middle of the godamn grocery store and my cornhole feels like it’s got a bad case of poison ivy. Don’t forget to buy Saltines. Your wife made chili and you need Saltines. Oh, and milk. Fuck, that itches bad.

What should I do? There are way too many people here to just reach right in and scratch it. Just ignore it. Oooo. Cheddar cheese. You need cheddar cheese too.

Maybe if the mother-daughter shoppers in this aisle would hurry the fuck up and decide what type of Hamburger Helper they wanted for dinner I could sneak a finger in and just get it over with. No, too risky. What if it’s because you didn’t wipe good enough today? This could go from bad to worse. Just ignore it. My lord that girl is ugly. I’m glad I didn’t have ugly kids. Take the beef stroganoff honey, it’s way better than the cheeseburger macaroni.

Fuck. I bet I didn’t wipe good and now my anus has been rubbed raw all day by my own stagnant fecal matter. Goddammit Dave, this is a bush-league mistake. You fucking amateur. Where the fuck are the fucking saltines?!! I knew I didn’t like this grocery store for a reason. Should have gone to the other one closer to the house. Can never find what I’m looking for here.

OK. Here’s the dairy stuff. Cheddar cheese – check. What about milk? FUCK MY BUTTHOLE ITCHES. GRRR. Get milk. We always need milk. The guy next to me is looking at me funny. Am I walking funny? I didn’t think it was that bad… Ohh, shit. What if I smell? This guy probably thinks I just filled my Depends.

Wait a minute, I didn’t take a dump today. Is this residual from yesterday? No way. I at least showered. What would this be from then? Feels like I sat on an angry mosquito. What if I have a disease or something?

Man, he’s really looking at me funny. Stay cool. It’s like being stoned - only you know your ass itches. You’re just being paranoid. Sweet, pudding is on sale, two for three dollars.

Bathroom. Need bathroom. Must inspect butthole. I will probably find those fucking Saltines before I find a bathroom. Ahhh. There it is.

OK. Find stall… Check. Drop pants... Check. Toilet paper... Negative. What the fuck?!! This fucking figures. Ok. Think Dave, think. Paper towels. You can use paper towels. Pants up, get paper towels. Paper towels… check. Wait, better throw a little water on them first, it’ll get you cleaner. Oh fuck! The milk guy just walked in!

Now what? Should I go back in the stall with a fistful of wet paper towels? Does that look weird? Fuck it. This guy already thinks you shit your pants. Who cares at this point? Him having a positive opinion of you is not going to scrub the filth from your crusty asshole.

Close stall door. Pants back down. Paper towel wad in. Wipe with extra pressure. Ahhh. Better, but still itchy. Inspect paper for signs of fecal residue. Nothing. Just some ass hair. Well what the fuck? Wipe again. Still nothing. What is Milk Guy doing? I don’t think he went to the bathroom. What the fuck is he doing out there? Checking on me? Whatever. Keep wiping.

What I really need is some baby wipes. Or sandpaper. Frankly, at this point I’d opt for cutting the shit out with my pocket knife. Ok, that’s going to have to do for now. Plus, I don’t have my pocket knife. I think Milk Guy left.

Saltines. Still need Saltines.
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