Whangdoodle:
Thanks for doing this interview so close to Christmas. I know this is your busy season. How has Christmas changed in recent years?Santa Claus:
I have grown to hate children. Those snot-sucking little pricks all expect me to dole out big, expensive gifts. Not one ounce of appreciation. Especially American kids. They're the worst.Whangdoodle:
That's a little harsh. Do you get paid well at least?Santa Claus:
Fuck no. Especially not for a guy who has become more popular than Jesus. And it's his fucking birthday! Just ask any little Christian kid what happens on Christmas and they will tell you "Santa comes and brings me presents". Except the poor kids. I don't give presents to poor kids. They tend to be dirty.Whangdoodle:
Have you ever considered going on strike?Santa Claus:
Of course. But number one, there's no labor union for Santa. Second, there are a million mall Santas just waiting around for that promotion. The last thing I want to see is one of those creepy child molesters given the power to get into any house they want to.Whangdoodle:
Lots of mall Santas are child molesters?Santa Claus:
Goddamn right they are. It's like going to a strip club where the dancer pays you to those creeps.Whangdoodle:
Do you really have elves who make all the toys?Santa Claus:
If by "elves" you mean several million Chinese kids in sweatshops stamping "Hasbro" and Fisher Price" on cheap plastic, then yes - I have "elves".Whangdoodle:
Do you think Christmas has lost its true meaning to big companies who just want us to spend more on stuff we don't need?Santa Claus:
Slightly. I'm just waiting for a commercial where the Three Wise Men visit Jesus in the manger and bring him a bottle of Coca-Cola, an iPod, and a Home Depot gift card.Whangdoodle:
Why do you live at the North Pole?Santa Claus:
So kids don't go looking for me. If I lived in a more accessible place, Parents would have a hard time explaining why they can't take the children to see me. And it helps perpetuate the lie.Whangdoodle:
You mean that there's no such thing as Santa?Santa Claus:
Absolutely! I do not exist. And Christian families lie to their own children year after year on the birthday of their Lord and Savior. Thou shalt not lie unless it serves to perpetuate corporate interests. God bless.Whangdoodle:
Not that you're bitter or anything... What's your favorite gift to give kids?Santa Claus:
Clothes. Little Kids HATE clothes. In fact, we stopped giving out coal years ago. Now if you're bad, you get an ugly turtleneck sweater or the pajamas with the feet on them.Whangdoodle:
Sounds like you've got a bit of a mean streak. What's your favorite thing about this holiday?Santa Claus:
Making kids cry. There is nothing like a few holiday tears to keep kids in check. So in that spirit I have a message for all the little boys and girls: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SANTA CLAUS!!!! Fuckers.Read more...
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