So, I can't keep my satellite dish?

This is a real letter I had to send to the management company who runs the shit-hole condominium development where I live.

Mr. { NAME WITHHELD}:
I have recently received a letter informing me of the Satellite Dish Compliance that {COMPANY NAME WITHHELD} Management plans to begin enforcing on behalf of the {CONDOMINIUM NAME WITHHELD} Condominium Association, requesting my “voluntary compliance”.
Let me start by saying that I appreciate the opportunity to “remedy my situation”, because, truth be told, I was unaware that there was any situation to remedy.

I have had my DirecTV satellite dish for going on 5 years now and thus far my having it has never been a problem. My family and I love the service and would prefer to keep our status as customers. And let’s face it, you can’t beat DirecTv’s adult channels with a stick. So to speak.

I had approval to install the dish in it’s current location form a former Association board president who lived across the driveway from me and unfortunately for me, I do not have any written proof, and she has since moved away, having seen the writing on the wall here long before the rest of us poor saps who will rot here as we are unable to give this shanty shacks away.
After reading through the new requirements laid out in your letter it looks like I will be unable to keep my dish. But before I jump the gun and go back to life with only 4 local channels and no porn, I was hoping you could help me clarify the new requirements.
Your regulations state:

“All dishes must be installed indoors unless acceptable quality signal cannot be received. If it is necessary to install outdoors, then the dish must be installed within the owner’s limited common area provided, however that installations upon or in any walkway , driveway, stairway, air-conditioner or heating unit, or window, are prohibited for maintenance and safety reasons. Dishes must not attach to or encroach upon the common areas or another owner’s limited common area or unit. Dishes shall not obstruct access to any unit. Dishes may not be affixed to the building or patio fences. Dishes may be installed in the enclosed patio area or within owner’s limited common area.”

Installed indoors? Come the fuck on! Perhaps a better rule would be “Residents must breathe with their heads in a plastic bag at all times unless quality air cannot be obtained.” Let’s just skip the bullshit. Nobody can install a satellite dish inside their house and still get a signal. Ok, so we’ve established I have to install it outside, and from the sound of it, that’s totally cool as long the dish can magically hover.
Next section:

“All dishes must be installed by a licensed contractor in compliance with local building and safety codes, in accordance with the manufacturer’s instructions, and shall not damage or impair the limited common areas.”

No problem. I wasn’t convinced the giant dinner plate I covered in tin foil was going to work all that well to begin with. Moving on...

Dishes must be shielded from view from the outside community and from other units to the maximum extent possible. Decorative covers, i.e. imitation rocks or patio furniture, and shrubbery may be acceptable shields as determined by the Association.

Shielded from the outside community to the maximum extent possible? Folks this is a godamn SATELLITE DISH, not your teenage daughter’s unwanted pregnancy.

All installations shall take aesthetic considerations into account. Dishes and all associated equipment and wiring shall be painted to match the color and of the structure they are adjacent to.

Let me get this straight. You expect me to find the exact color of fecal brown that my condo is painted and slather that shit all over the satellite equipment?!! I’ll take aesthetics into consideration as soon as somebody takes down all those ancient bent up, rusty-ass TV antennas off the roofs. They’re blocking my dish anyways.

The installation shall not impair the integrity of the building. These shall be no penetrations of the common areas or limited common areas. Devices that permit transmissions of telecommunications signals through (1) glass, or (2) under windows and doors such as ribbon wiring, or (3) through existing wiring. If penetration of exterior surfaces is necessary for wiring, then the penetration shall be sealed and waterproofed in accordance with applicable building codes and industry standards.

Integrity of the building? Are we talking about the same condominium development here? Have you looked around lately? The rest of the City refers to this place as “Little Detroit”. Haven’t any of you noticed the constant mass exodus out of here? How 'bout the fact that the cops spend more time here than in any other part of the City?

All Contracted installers must provide to the Association, prior to the commencement of any work, with an insurance certificate listing the Association as an additional insured. Insurance shall meet minimum requirements: Contractors general liability including completed operations of at least $1,000,000.00 and Workers’ Compensation coverage.

So, if this guy shows up to put in my dish, should I request a different contractor?

Dish owners are exclusively responsible for all maintenance costs including, but not limited to, costs to replace, repair, maintain, move, or remove dishes or any related materials, including screening materials, structures or other items associated or appurtenant to the dishes, repair damage to any property (including, but not limited to, all common areas and limited common areas) caused by the installation, maintenance, or removal of dishes, and pay for any medical or other damages or losses for any person’s injured caused by installation, maintenance (or lack thereof) or removal of the dishes.

So you have the right to send some clumsy dumbass to remove my dish, and if through some Darwinistic mistake, he falls off the roof, lands on my neighbors dog, kills the dog and breaks his own neck, I’m responsible? Did I read that correctly? I can see nothing but good things coming from this.

Owners have 72 hours to remove or repair a dish if it becomes detached. The Association may remove the dish at the owner’s expense after 72 hours, or at anytime if the detachment threatens the safety of person’s or property.

Detached from what? Motherfucker, you already established I’m not allowed to attach it to anything to begin with...

Upon sale or other transfer of the unit, dishes must be removed and the area restored to its original condition.

Define “Original Condition”. If I can’t attach the dish to any part of the building, does that mean you expect me to plug the ½” hole the post made in the ground? Am I responsible for buying the dirt? What if somebody falls in the hole before I get a chance to fill it in? Am I responsible for that as well?

The attached notification and waiver along with a drawing of the proposed dish installation location, height and screening materials must be submitted prior to any installation.

OK, I really want to keep my dish, so here’s my drawing:

Thank you for your consideration, I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Dave {Last Name Withheld}

Additional Background :

• I did not receive a response from the management company.
• I am going to sabotage them somehow, I just don't know how...yet.
• Never, EVER buy a house in a development with a "homeowner's board". It equates to having your life ruled by geriatric, cranky, bored, power-hungry retards who thrive on making you life miserable the way zombies thrive on brains.