Are You Really Gonna Eat That?: Adam's Guide to Shit He Doesn' t Eat

I would never go so far as to say that I have a "sensitive palate." Saying you have a sensitive palate means you are a pussy and are a picky eater. I don't date nor would I ever date a picky eater because you are fucking boring and are a waste of centuries of culinary mastery and precision. This also goes for vegetarians and vegans who, in my book, are pretentious douchebags whose pathetic love for mindless organisms grown only for consumption is made even more ridiculous by the fact that cows are fucking delicious. That being said, I still must relent and admit that although I am willing to try almost anything in the realm of food, there ARE a few things that I will just not fuckin eat. So if I ever have a party and you bring this stuff to my house, be prepared for the tongue-lashing that will follow.

Spam:

I don't know if it is good or not because I won't eat it. It looks like a can of jellied cancerous flesh. It may be delicious but it looks like people. And I took this cue from Soylent Green eons ago..No spam for me. Fuckin' enjoy.
Nasty.

Vienna Sausages:

Same as spam...let me go ahead and say this..If it is packed in a "jelly-like" substance, even if the substance IS in fact jelly, I will not eat it. Period. Plus, these look like little dicks and I am homophobic. Hell, I can hardly stand to wipe hard.

Ox tail:

Is this REALLY an Ox's tail? Really? That's just gross. Oxen are giant, smelly, hairy animals and you want to eat the flyswatter that hangs above their giant, hairy, smelly asshole? Man...you got problems. (Note: If you try to bring cows into this, fuck off... I don't eat cow tails you jerkoff.)

Pigs Feet:

Why the feet? There are plenty of absolutely delicious parts of the pig to enjoy. What is tasty about big fat pig ankles? Especially knowing that pigs wallow in their own shit. Not to mention they are all pointy and gross. Their meaty hooves and who in their right mind sits down to a plate of hooves?

Actually, I shouldn't just stop with the feet. The same people who eat this shit also eat chitterlings, tongue and pig jowls. Look people, we've evolved enough so that you don't have to eat this shit anymore..Just have a fucking hot dog for Christsakes.

Pate':

Pate' is liver and tastes exactly like it looks. Diarrhea. Not that I have ever eaten diarrhea but I bet if I did, it would taste like pate'...ugh.. Pate' is just some pompous crap rich people eat to act sophisticated. It's like caviar. Caviar is basically fish jizz. Well eggs, but it tastes like jizz according to a girl I met at TGI Fridays.

Blood Pudding:

This is so nasty that goth people think twice about eating it..And you know how weird those fuckers are... seriously, Emo is the new gay. It's congealed blood. Why would anyone want to eat this? Have pudding. Regular fucking pudding. Snackpacks are delicious. Ever had the butterscotch? It's phenomenal.

Headcheese:

If you knew what this was, you wouldn't eat it.

EasyCheese aka Spray Cheese:

This is PLASTIC cheese in an aerosol can. This is so far from food you might as well serve it on Legos.

Vagina:

Just kidding... wanted to see if you were paying attention. Vagina just goes to show that everything tasty doesn't necessarily smell tasty.

Sporting event/bowling lane nachos:

That neon orange shit they call cheese is just HOT easy cheese. Don't kid yourself. Your tapeworm even vomits a little when you eat this bile.

Soy:

This is not an acceptable substitute for meat. It doesn't taste like meat, it doesn't really look like meat..and that is because it isn't fucking meat. If you are going to take a stand and not eat meat, then have the balls to say no to soy ham and soy burgers. Just accept that you will never get to enjoy the taste of meat because you are a hippy. Enjoy your Mueslix.

Low fat Oreos:

This is the food equivalent of "sex with a condom." The premise is great and you know it might be delicious but when you actually get down to it, it is a major disappointment.

Captain Crunch:

Take some shards of broken glass, sprinkle with sugar, add milk....eat and witness the horror that is sitting down to a bowl of Captain Crunch. This shit is armageddon on your mouth. Armageddon brought to you by a cartoon guy wearing the stupidest fucking hat imaginable.