Your Whangdoodle Horoscope - November

Aries - March 21 - April 19

Time to get out there and turn some heads Aries. Try to expose the people around you to new ideas and experiences, even if they have no interest in them. Stuff some Christianity down their throats, or insist that they suddenly become Wiccan. They might resist, but you can always just insult them until their willpower breaks down. Remember Aries, there's no time like the present!

Taurus - April 20 - May 20

Today is just the same as the rest of your life Taurus. You're so insistent on placating your own unrealistic feelings that you slog forward blindly, like a cyclops with eye-herpes, screwing everything up as you go along. There's no point in even trying to help you. I give up.

Gemini - May 21 - June 21

Today is the day to get motivated Gemini! You've been holding back for far too long and your romantic life is beginning to suffer. Stop being such a fucking ice queen and dole that shit out. I don't care if its to the first fucking loser that comes along. Use it or lose it Gemini. Use it or lose it. If you need to talk: (404) 776-1212

Cancer June 22 - July 22

I'm sorry, but today is the day you find out you have cancer, Cancer. Tough luck, but frankly you should have seen that shit coming. Regardless of your influences and motivations, this change of events is going to have some effect on your affairs for some time to come.

Leo - July 23 - August 22

The financial situation you've been struggling with might just come to a close today Leo. Of course, this might be because those mobsters from the dog track have finally figured out where you live. After they nail your scrotum to a chair, beat you with a sack of oranges and take everything you own, they may just write you off for dead. Enjoy your day.

Virgo - August 23 - September 22

Been indecisive lately have we Virgo? ... Yeah we have. Life seems like a buffet virgo, until you stand around too long and a hoard of fat rednecks come and eat everything, leaving you with whatever's left in the sloppy trough-corners. I'm just sayin.

Libra - September 23 - October 22

Your emotional sympathies are likely to cause trouble for you today Libra. Your pathetic attempts at keeping your emotionally dysfunctional family together are likely to finally break down. Either your mom is going back to rehab or you're coming home to an intervention in your name, one of the two.

Scorpio - October 23 - November 21

Your mysterious nature and hot-headedness may get you into trouble today Scorpio. You'd be well advised to take careful appraisal of your actions and try not to go into Total Fucking Douchebag Mode like you pretty much always do. Stop flapping your dick-suckers and try to pay attention to the words coming out of your mouth for a change. Asshole.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You may be the most talented cockweilder in the western hemisphere Sagittarius, but its all for nothing if you insist on sitting around playing with your balls all day. This is a time to resolve conflicts and force others to make decisions without giving up any ground of your own. Lay down that pipe Sagittarius, and show those bitches how that shit is done until they beg you to stop.

Capricorn - December 22 - January 19

Your actions will be governed by the root of your sign today Capricorn. This may indicate a return to the boring, unimaginative lameness you're so known for. You should go hang out with someone a little less predictable and try to make yourself interesting. If that's even possible.

Aquarius - January 20 - February 18

Today may be difficult for you Aquarius, as nobody is likely buying the psuedo-spiritualist bullshit you're always selling. Try spending today focusing on practical matters. Maybe, I dunno, do some research so you can back your shit up instead of just fucking making it up as you go along. I mean, really.

Pisces - February 19 - March 20

You may be having some trouble with your love life right now Pisces. The problem with you is that you're waaaay to fucking emotionally available. A veritable fucking care bear. When you make yourself a doormat, you get stepped on Pisces. Try strapping your balls on and standing up for your shit for a change.