Saturday, August 22, 2009

Adam's list of wishes that will never come true

I decided to list this article under the category of Goals, Plans, and Hopes because that is what wishes essentially are, things you HOPE will come true. Unfortunately, I am yet to get any of the stupid 27 things my mind has managed to congeal together as WISHES in that one split second of sucking in breath before blowing at a mass of lit candles in some rather asinine ritual of how to successfully spit all over food prior to serving it to the masses. That being said, I have decided that I will share 27 separate wishes with you that I have made and are yet to come true. Frankly, I've given up on them. Fuck these wishes.

  1. I wish that women would actually say what they meant rather than trying to get me to fuckin guess what they are thinking about. If all of us were psychic ladies, we would be using our powers to gamble and find exactly how to get into your pants without having to endure another episode of Dharma and Greg... Christ.
  2. I wish that people weren't born retarded. I know that retarded people probably don't realize they are retarded but I KNOW that they are retarded and it makes me get teary eyed every time they start bagging my groceries.
  3. I wish that they could come up with the genetic cure for whatever fucking disease causes people to talk in the goddamn movie theater. This is unacceptable... I mean, they have a FUCKING commercial before the movie specifically designed to tell you to shut up and turn off your goddamn phone. How hard is it to shut the fuck up for two hours?
  4. I wish the only way legos could be made was with "glow in the dark" plastic. You ever step on a lego in the middle of the night? It's like stepping on a tiny Vietcong jungle trap.
  5. I wish that there was a way to bring french fries home from a restaurant and they would still be worth eating the next day. This wish also applies to nachos.
  6. I wish that masturbating burned like 3,000 calories. Imagine how much better shape we would all be in...Not only that but you would never hesitate to work out. You could just stop by the store and grab a gatorade and a copy of Gallery and get your sweat on.
  7. I wish that there were "white people jokes." I think a lack of "white people jokes" is why everyone is so goddamn politically correct nowadays.
  8. I wish that there were no such thing as VD. Wouldn't it be nice if someone said VD and you thought of Veterans Day and not of a burning sensation when you pee? Man, Id rather someone smash the head of my penis with a hammer than to have warts all over my sac.
  9. I wish that there were ACTUALLY two scoops of raisins in Kellogg's Raisin Bran and not 1 1/2 fuckin' scoops. Lying cocksuckers.
  10. I wish that Perfect Strangers was still on TV. Man, that Balkie was funny.
  11. I wish that Popeye got stronger from eating twinkies or peanut butter or something that actually tasted good but the marketing bastards who designed that fable convinced me and I ate tons of spinach and it didn't do shit for me but give me really bad gas.
  12. I wish I didn't know what a "blumpkin" was.
  13. I wish that David Blaine would have undergone some freakish transformation while in that water tank and grown gills and webbed feet like Kevin Costner in that shitty movie that cost too much money but instead his lips turned blue and he cried. Pussy.
  14. I wish I wouldn't have agreed to do one of these for every single birthday I have had. This is fucking ridiculous. Shit... I have to finish.
  15. I wish people would stop telling me that they love wine and then popping the twisty cap on a bottle of goddamn Arbor's Mist. Arbor's Mist is NOT wine. It is fucking sour gatorade.
  16. I wish that I could understand the people at the Dairy Queen drive-thru.
  17. I wish that I knew how to use nunchucks.
  18. I wish that it was safe for me to own a catapult and use it to launch myself to work everyday, thus saving me tons of money in gas.and car insurance. Fuck you Geico, I got catapult.
  19. I wish people didn't think they were stand-up comedians because they can cleverly recite lines from The Wedding Crashers, Anchor Man, or Along Came Polly.or anything involving Ben Stiller or Owen Wilson for that matter.
  20. I wish the Wayans brothers were funny..
  21. I wish that I would've come up with the idea for Girls Gone Wild.
  22. I wish I could properly throw a football. I dunno what the problem is with this, the logistics escape me for some reason and I am completely inept. Oh and my friends LOVE to rag my ass about it.
  23. I wish all my friends couldn't throw footballs
  24. I wish that the 80s station that was on in Atlanta for like 3 months had been a success..80s fashion was a travesty but the music rocks.
  25. 25. I wish that Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johanson would do a nude scene in a movie. This may be the ONLY wish that comes true on this list but I doubt it.
  26. I wish that the proper greeting for females introducing themselves to men were a boob flash following by a penis rub.
  27. Christopher Walken 2008... nuff said.

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