I decided to list this article under the category of Goals, Plans,
and Hopes because that is what wishes essentially are, things you
HOPE will come true. Unfortunately, I am yet to get any of the
stupid 27 things my mind has managed to congeal together as WISHES
in that one split second of sucking in breath before blowing at
a mass of lit candles in some rather asinine ritual of how to successfully
spit all over food prior to serving it to the masses. That being
said, I have decided that I will share 27 separate wishes with
you that I have made and are yet to come true. Frankly, I've given
up on them. Fuck these wishes.
I wish that women would actually say what they meant rather
than trying to get me to fuckin guess what they are thinking
about. If all of us were psychic ladies, we would be using
our powers to gamble and find exactly how to get into your pants
without having to endure another episode of Dharma and Greg... Christ.
- I wish that people weren't born retarded. I know that retarded
people probably don't realize they are retarded but I KNOW
that they are retarded and it makes me get teary eyed every
time they start bagging my groceries.
- I wish that they could come up with the genetic cure for whatever
fucking disease causes people to talk in the goddamn movie
theater. This is unacceptable... I mean, they have a FUCKING
commercial before the movie specifically designed to tell you
to shut up and turn off your goddamn phone. How hard is it to shut
the fuck up for two hours?
- I wish the only way legos could be made was with "glow
in the dark" plastic. You ever step on a lego in the middle
of the night? It's like stepping on a tiny Vietcong jungle trap.
- I wish that there was a way to bring french fries home from
a restaurant and they would still be worth eating the next
day. This wish also applies to nachos.
- I wish that masturbating burned like 3,000 calories. Imagine
how much better shape we would all be in...Not only that but
you would never hesitate to work out. You could just stop by
the store and grab a gatorade and a copy of Gallery and get your
sweat on.
- I wish that there were "white people jokes." I think
a lack of "white people jokes" is why everyone is so goddamn
politically correct nowadays.
- I wish that there were no such thing as VD. Wouldn't it be nice
if someone said VD and you thought of Veterans Day and not
of a burning sensation when you pee? Man, Id rather someone
smash the head of my penis with a hammer than to have warts
all over my sac.
- I wish that there were ACTUALLY two scoops of raisins in Kellogg's
Raisin Bran and not 1 1/2 fuckin' scoops. Lying cocksuckers.
-
I wish that Perfect Strangers was still on TV. Man, that Balkie
was funny.
- I wish that Popeye got stronger from eating twinkies or peanut
butter or something that actually tasted good but the marketing
bastards who designed that fable convinced me and I ate tons
of spinach and it didn't do shit for me but give me really bad gas.
- I wish I didn't know what a "blumpkin" was.
- I wish that David Blaine would have undergone some freakish
transformation while in that water tank and grown gills and
webbed feet like Kevin Costner in that shitty movie that cost
too much money but instead his lips turned blue and he cried. Pussy.
- I wish I wouldn't have agreed to do one of these for every
single birthday I have had. This is fucking ridiculous. Shit...
I have to finish.
- I wish people would stop telling me that they love wine and
then popping the twisty cap on a bottle of goddamn Arbor's
Mist. Arbor's Mist is NOT wine. It is fucking sour gatorade.
- I wish that I could understand the people at the Dairy Queen
drive-thru.
- I wish that I knew how to use nunchucks.
- I wish that it was safe for me to own a catapult and use it
to launch myself to work everyday, thus saving me tons of money
in gas.and car insurance. Fuck you Geico, I got catapult.
- I wish people didn't think they were stand-up comedians because
they can cleverly recite lines from The Wedding Crashers, Anchor
Man, or Along Came Polly.or anything involving Ben Stiller
or Owen Wilson for that matter.
- I wish the Wayans brothers were funny..
- I wish that I would've come up with the idea for Girls Gone
Wild.
- I wish I could properly throw a football. I dunno what the
problem is with this, the logistics escape me for some reason
and I am completely inept. Oh and my friends LOVE to rag my
ass about it.
- I wish all my friends couldn't throw footballs
- I wish that the 80s station that was on in Atlanta for like
3 months had been a success..80s fashion was a travesty but
the music rocks.
- 25. I wish that Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johanson would do a nude
scene in a movie. This may be the ONLY wish that comes true
on this list but I doubt it.
- I wish that the proper greeting for females introducing themselves
to men were a boob flash following by a penis rub.
- Christopher Walken 2008... nuff said.
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