I Want a Minotaur

I have two kids. Two kids who frequently “want this” or “want that”. In an effort to deal with demands that I am unwilling to fulfill, I started responding with equally unrealistic wants of my own. My favorite is telling them that I want a minotaur. And yes, I mean the labyrinth guarding, axe-wielding man with a bull’s head.

After saying this several times to crush my children’s spirit, I realized that I really did want a minotaur. Badly. Having a minotaur around the house would not only kick major ass, but also be really useful. So this got me thinking further about other mythical creatures and the pros and cons of having each around the house. So I present to you, dear reader, the Whangdoodle guide to owning mythical creatures.

Mintotaur

Pros: The minotaur can easily destroy enemies trying to break into your house/lair. They are intelligent, capable warriors who stay put when tasked with a mission (home defense, etc). Also good for moving furniture, taking out the garbage, and have a keen eye for landscape design.
Cons: Must build giant hedge maze on your property, not toilet trained.

Unicorn

Pros: Gentle and beautiful, the Unicorn makes a great alternative pet for horse enthusiasts. The hooves of these well-mannered beasts can be used to make magically strong glue.
Cons: Due to the giant spear attached to the forehead, unicorns are not recommended for use in rodeos. Plus, riding one automatically makes you gay.

Troll

Pros: When brute force is needed, look no further than a troll. Easily opens stuck jars, lifts cars for convenient mechanical repairs, removes unwanted trees from yard, and operates gate mechanisms to let orc battalions back into your evil kingdom.
Cons: Akin to owning a 12 foot tall child with super strength and down’s syndrome.

Succubus

Pros: Ask any kid who has ever jacked off to hardcore anime’ and they’ll tell you how they would cut off their mouse-clicking finger to bang one of these demon sex kittens from the underworld. Succubi are notorious for their sexual prowess and make a great in-house fuck buddy whose thirst for dirty sex is matched only by their thirst for blood.
Cons: Try to kill you after sex. High probability of catching Hell’s version of Syphilis or HIV.

Hippogriff

(if you don’t know what this is, watch “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban”)
Pros: Hippogriffs can fly. Say goodbye to high gas prices and rush hour during your commute to work! Park your Hippogriff anywhere you like! I’d like to see a traffic cop try and put a ticket on the vicious snapping beak of your new ride.
Cons: No trunk, windshield or CD player. Extended warranty is a ripoff.

Dragon

Pros: Dragons are the ultimate in badass mythical creatures and provide more compensation for a small penis then a Hummer H2. Great for incinerating garbage, starting the grill, or getting even with a neighbor whose dog barks to much. Top choice for home security and guarding valuables such as gold, Nintendo Wii systems, and +3 magic swords.
Cons: Very volatile and unpredictable. Children and pets should not be left alone with your dragon. Not recommended for suburban living conditions. Sluggish in winter.