Thanks for coming to my funeral, assholes.

This is fucking perfect. I'm dead and about to be buried in the cheapest suit my wife could find. Jesus Christ woman! I know the life insurance paid enough for you to get more than a 23 dollar suit from Goodwill with a bloodstain on the crotch. Hope you are putting all that money you saved on dressing me for eternity towards the kids college fund and not going on another Hedonism vacation with Tyrone.

Good luck kids, you're fucked now. The only consolation I can offer you is knowing that when Mommy dies it will probably be from a painful STD or a meth overdose. At least Daddy loves you.

Oh and kids? Stay the fuck away from Uncle Bryan. It looks like he's drunk again, and that mean's he's probably going to try and ask you to go out to his van. Always stay away from vans with no windows.

And could everybody please refrain from putting their garbage in the casket with me? Honestly, keep the fucking photos. My eyes are sewn shut, I couldn't look at them even if I wanted to. And who dropped their chewed gum on my sleeve? Oh, wait, it's not just gum, it's Grandma's dentures too. Gross.

Man these pillows aren't very soft. I had always envisioned this scenario to be a lot more comfortable. I really didn't even want to be buried. I would have rather been taxidermied and kept in my own living room dressed in a smoking jacket, reading the paper. I should have had my brother put a remote control spring device in here to pop me upright and freak everybody out in the middle of the service. Or rig me up like a Billy Bass so I could blurt out "I'm not dead yet!" when somebody knelt by the casket.

By the way, did nobody take the time to explain to the priest how to pronounce my godamn last name? He pronounced it three different ways during that shitty eulogy (who told him I was an active water sport enthusiast?). And why did we we get a Catholic priest anyways? We aren' t Catholic, and I never went to church. I'm going to get to heaven and the first thing out of St. Peter's mouth is going to be "Who the fuck are you?"

I'm impressed how many people showed up for my wake. I didn't think I even knew this many people. Although I don't see my cousin Steve. I guess he couldn't make bail to be here. Nevertheless, It's nice to see people coming out to pay their respects. It just seems weird that nobody is crying.

Oh they're closing the casket finally. One last thing before I go -. Mr. Mortician. I'll be waiting for you when you die. I made it my whole life without every having any gay experiences and the week they are going to finally put me in the ground, you go and fuck me in the mouth, then sew up the evidence. To make matters worse, I didn't even get the courtesy "head tap" before you moneyed all over my dead mouth. And it's not like anybody bothers to brush the teeth of the dead. Thanks alot. Rest assured there will be a special surprise waiting for you in the Afterlife.
Oh well, I'd like thank everybody for making the last moments of my Earthly memories completely awful. And if anybody is going to drop any more junk in here with me, could you please make it a bottle of Listerine?