The War On Being Totally Fucking Unimaginative

Ok, I make video games. That is my job, that is what I do. If I've learned anything during the process, its that how awesome things are matters. Things must be bad-ass. A lame-ass robot can have the same statistics as a bad-ass robot, and it will still be lame because it looks and feels lame.

Our military needs to learn this lesson. Not that we or our weapons are lame mind you, but we could be waaaay more awesome if we introduced a little videogame style design into our weaponry.

Take for example, BIGDOG.

This thing is awesome. It looks like a headless goat, its freaky as hell when it moves, and it makes a fucked-up, scary vibrating noise all the time. It can catch itself when it starts to fall on ice, jump over shit... awesome. However, the military plans to use it to... carry shit. Yes, its a fucking robot pack mule. Whatever happened to real mules? Mules are cheap, they've been carrying shit around for thousands of years. If you need to carry some gear, use a mule.

What we should do with BIGDOG, is make it 3 times larger and remote controlled (like a UAV). Next, mount double Cerebus-style beast heads on it with fucking flamethrowers in the mouths, put a minigun on the top, and amplify that freaky vibrating noise it makes x10. Send THAT fucking thing into a cave in Afghanistan to root out some terrorists. We could cut our need for soldiers in half and just use remote-located Red Bull-ed out Halo players controlling robot demon-beasts instead!

The Japanese have invented these.

Again, reducing the need for putting live Americans in harms way! Make some of these robots 10ft tall and send them in. They can crazy sideways crabwalk up to terrorists and flipping pile-drive or super-punch them. If I saw one of these fucking things crabwalking towards me at crazy speeds, I'd break and run like a crackhead at a DEA convention. Again, just recruit the top 10 best Street Fighter players and let them remote operate those bad boys... Robot dragon-punching a terrorist's head off would only be the most fantastic thing that ever happened.

And then, there's the Gay Bomb.

WHY DID WE STOP WORKING ON THIS! Its a bomb, that throws peoples' sexual impulses into super-overdrive, causing them to desperately ravage anyone nearby. Imagine a group of long-bearded muslim extremists suddenly going man-gay and uncontrollably giving each other the business... Ok, so that's horrific to imagine. Fuck. Man I'm gonna have trouble getting THAT out of my head. However, I'd give organs to see the conversation that breaks out after those guys wake up the morning after... How bad would the "Group Muslim Extremist Gay Walk of Shame" be? I imagine it involves them all gunning each other down in horror as they imagine Allah witnessing them Man-raping one another. Spectacular.

...And scroll down to the end of that article. Chemical weapons that send angry wasps to attack people?! THIS is the US Military I want to see. Imagine the press release after some Al Queda outfit gets swarmed to death by angry wasps... How would they even pin that shit on us? Our attacks would look like something out of Candyman. Those religious fanatics would think the wrath of God was on them and we could just sit back and watch their infrastructure implode...

Now, here is some shit we are doing right.

That's right motherfucker, LASERS FROM THE SKY. This is what I call ingenuity in action. I mean, Star Wars came out in the 70s, its high-fucking-time we got some laser beams to fry people with. I can just see the news headline now... "A huge leap forward in the War on Terror occurred today when a top Al Queda operative's head melted like a meat-candle in a microwave."

See, this is all I want, for our enemies to fear robots, lasers, wasps, and sudden uncontrollable fits of nymphomaniacal gayness. Dare to dream people, dare to dream...