My Butthole Itches

This sucks. My butthole itches. Bad. I’m in the middle of the godamn grocery store and my cornhole feels like it’s got a bad case of poison ivy. Don’t forget to buy Saltines. Your wife made chili and you need Saltines. Oh, and milk. Fuck, that itches bad.

What should I do? There are way too many people here to just reach right in and scratch it. Just ignore it. Oooo. Cheddar cheese. You need cheddar cheese too.

Maybe if the mother-daughter shoppers in this aisle would hurry the fuck up and decide what type of Hamburger Helper they wanted for dinner I could sneak a finger in and just get it over with. No, too risky. What if it’s because you didn’t wipe good enough today? This could go from bad to worse. Just ignore it. My lord that girl is ugly. I’m glad I didn’t have ugly kids. Take the beef stroganoff honey, it’s way better than the cheeseburger macaroni.

Fuck. I bet I didn’t wipe good and now my anus has been rubbed raw all day by my own stagnant fecal matter. Goddammit Dave, this is a bush-league mistake. You fucking amateur. Where the fuck are the fucking saltines?!! I knew I didn’t like this grocery store for a reason. Should have gone to the other one closer to the house. Can never find what I’m looking for here.

OK. Here’s the dairy stuff. Cheddar cheese – check. What about milk? FUCK MY BUTTHOLE ITCHES. GRRR. Get milk. We always need milk. The guy next to me is looking at me funny. Am I walking funny? I didn’t think it was that bad… Ohh, shit. What if I smell? This guy probably thinks I just filled my Depends.

Wait a minute, I didn’t take a dump today. Is this residual from yesterday? No way. I at least showered. What would this be from then? Feels like I sat on an angry mosquito. What if I have a disease or something?

Man, he’s really looking at me funny. Stay cool. It’s like being stoned - only you know your ass itches. You’re just being paranoid. Sweet, pudding is on sale, two for three dollars.

Bathroom. Need bathroom. Must inspect butthole. I will probably find those fucking Saltines before I find a bathroom. Ahhh. There it is.

OK. Find stall… Check. Drop pants... Check. Toilet paper... Negative. What the fuck?!! This fucking figures. Ok. Think Dave, think. Paper towels. You can use paper towels. Pants up, get paper towels. Paper towels… check. Wait, better throw a little water on them first, it’ll get you cleaner. Oh fuck! The milk guy just walked in!

Now what? Should I go back in the stall with a fistful of wet paper towels? Does that look weird? Fuck it. This guy already thinks you shit your pants. Who cares at this point? Him having a positive opinion of you is not going to scrub the filth from your crusty asshole.

Close stall door. Pants back down. Paper towel wad in. Wipe with extra pressure. Ahhh. Better, but still itchy. Inspect paper for signs of fecal residue. Nothing. Just some ass hair. Well what the fuck? Wipe again. Still nothing. What is Milk Guy doing? I don’t think he went to the bathroom. What the fuck is he doing out there? Checking on me? Whatever. Keep wiping.

What I really need is some baby wipes. Or sandpaper. Frankly, at this point I’d opt for cutting the shit out with my pocket knife. Ok, that’s going to have to do for now. Plus, I don’t have my pocket knife. I think Milk Guy left.

Saltines. Still need Saltines.