Things I have said to my kids

Kids may say the darndest things but I tend to be more amused by the manner in which I, as a parent must respond. So here is my personal collection of things I have said to my kids...

Mommy and I were just “hugging”. Get back in your bed. Now.

Stop licking the door.

Sweetie, you can’t put raisins up your nose. Yes, I’m sure it does make them taste like boogers.

Don’t hit the cat with the flyswatter.

No, Burger King doesn’t have that kind of Happy Meal toy, that’s McDonalds and we aren’t going to McDonalds. No, they never have the same toys at both places. Because they make deals with those toy companies to try and gain an advantage in the market so kids will whine that they want to go to one place more than the other to get the Happy Meal toy and thereby make more money than their competition. Because money is all they care about. No, I’m sorry bud, they don’t care about you, just your daddy’s money. Because they’re evil. Yes, evil means bad.

[To my daughter] Honey! Honey! Honey! You have to sit down when you pee!

Why are you licking my shirt?

How did you get bubblegum in your armpit?

Guys, you need to be quiet, Daddy’s trying to rest. Because I’m tired. Yes, I was drinking beer again yesterday.

Why did you try and clean the tile floor with my favorite CD?

No, ghosts can’t eat you.

Please stop tattooing your sister.

Sweetie, you can’t take candy from strangers. Yes, I understand that you really like candy.

You can’t call Uncle Desi a “wetback”. That’s kind of a bad word. Because it is. Look, just don’t say it anymore ok?

No, you cannot fill the sink [in your toy kitchen] with water. And you can’t fill the carpet with water either.

Get out of the dryer.

Sharks can’t live in the pool.

Because it hurts when you hit me there. Yes, that’s where my penis is. I know you don’t have a penis. Because girls don’t have penises. Because they don’t.

The potato bug won’t bite you, I promise.

What were you doing on the roof?

You got up there, you figure out how to get down.

Because some people are brown, and some people aren’t. No, you are not brown. No, I doubt you will be brown when you grow up.

Put your pants back on. Because you have to wear pants outside.

You’d really like that toy huh? Well, I’d really like a minotaur. What do you think of that?

Did you just say “Fuck”?